Fear of being alone

Many people have a fear of being alone. This fear comes from the belief that being alone means you are unworthy of someone's love. That surrounding yourself with someone, anyone will some how ease this feeling of insecurity. For the short term it can make a person feel better, but as we know feelings unresolved often bubble to the surface. What needs to be understood is that there is a difference between being alone and being lonley.

I discussed this concept with a group of children aged 11 - 12. Children have a way of coming up with simple definitions for complex concepts that resonate deep in the soul. Here is what was discussed:

Both words have a negative connotation in our society, when they should be different and invoke different feelings. To be lonely means that there is no one to call or talk to in your time of need. If you are traveling and your wallet get stolen, to be lonely would mean that there is no one to help you. If your relationship breaks up there is no one to call for advice or sympathy. It is just you, no support system, no true friends to help guide you through a difficult time. The worst the kids surmised would be if you couldn't even call your parents for help. How could a person be so lonely, so destitute? For them it was a simple answer, the lonely person must have burned all their bridges, done things that damaged relationships to the point of no return, even ruined the bond with parents. This lonliness is not something anyone would want in their life. This should be avoided at all cost.

To be alone is not to be destitue of friends or loved ones. In many cases being alone is a choice. If you decide to go on a road trip by yourself, are you alone? Yes. Are you lonely? No. Even with no friends by your side, it doesn't mean that they are not a phone call or text away. Being alone is often a great time to really think and ponder events in your life. A fear of being alone, can make a person choose to push down their own thoughts, feelings, and principals. Imagine a teen starting college with a fear of being alone. Not knowing anyone could send them into panic attacks and desperate feelings of insecurity. Then imagine that a student offers friendship, they are a partier, drinker and recreational drug user. This is not the person they would normally gravitate towards, but if they are afraid of being lonley they could latch onto that person.  Not only could this lead the teen down a dangerous road, but he/she could also miss an opprotunity to find good, qualtiy friends to be around.

We all know of people who will accept any relationship, regardless of the emotional heartache just so that they don't have to be alone. We need to teach our children that it is ok to be alone. They don't have to be most popular or liked by everyone, they just need to like themselves. As a parent it can be difficult to watch your child struggle to find friends and fit in. We have to be careful to make sure that we reassure them that it is OK for them to be by themselves.  We need to reassure them that they are fine and that they will eventually find a group to fit in with or maybe they will create their own group.  What we can't do as parents is to hint or ask our children to go against thier feelings or prinicpals in order to fit in or be liked. This will give them the message that being alone is wrong and that they should do whatever it takes to be liked.  The best thing we can do as parents is to show them the way by loving ourselves especially when we are alone. If we lead the way, they will follow and find love within.