Cleaning up my 2 year olds toys today I came across some of my figurines "Mary Moo Moos", they use to reside in my corner cabinet, but now Maddie has made them her own. I love those figurines, but I didn't put my foot down when she began to play with them. It was as if I was trying to prove to myself that I would not be angry over a possesion of mine being broken. To react differently than how I was raised. I succeded, but in trying to be so different I failed to teach Maddie the value of respecting other people's property.
I remember the rage my mother felt when we accidently broke one of her figurines. She use to collect bird ceramic music boxes and figurines. God forbid we broke one. She would go into a tizzy that could lead to us being hit, most certaintly berated, and always a dose of guilt added on top.
As a child I would feel horrible for spilling something or breaking something that would invoke such rage on my mother's part. I would feel shame but I really felt overwhelming, burning anger. Why was this figurine worth more than me? Worth more than my feeling safe, loved and protected? It was just a stupid ceramic thing, why would it's being chipped make her treat me so mean?
The rational part of my brain understands that because she grew up not having much that it might have created a need in her to have pretty, perfect, things. She would arrange her table of birds as if it was this perfect centerpiece, something beautiful and calm in a crazy household. So maybe when one of those pieces were broken it tore into this facade she was trying to maintain.
So I didn't want my children to feel that they were ever less important than a thing. Things can be replaced. The damage done to thier young minds and souls can not be undone. Breakables were never really an issue with the older two. We started our married life pregnant and baby proofing was natural and figurines were not collected. During the 11 year span between my second and third, I collected breakable figurines.
When Maddie started reaching for the figurines I first I told her no, but she persisted. The first time one chipped, I felt annoyed - but quickly repressed it, I refused to repeat the abuse that was done. Instead I went on the other end of the spectrum and basically gave up and she claimed the figurines as her own. I was so intent on not repeating past mistakes that I was blind to the huge one I was making. I didn't teach her to value someone else's property. I didn't teach her respect.
It's not too late to fix the mistake, but I learned a valuable lesson. I need to find balance. I don't want to repeat the pattern of abuse, but I also don't want to go so far out of balance that I raise a spoiled child that is inconsiderate of other people.
Stopping the cycle of abuse is hard. It isn't just about not hitting your children, or emotional abusing them, or making them fearful. It is about finding balance so that I can give loving discipline while encouraging her to grow, dream, and succeed.
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